TITLE: “Larry David and the Roommate”
Character(s)/Pairing(s): LARRY DAVID & PHILLIP (the new roommate character)
Summary: LARRY David struggles with his roommate, PHILLIP, when he goes to college.
Disclaimer: I made up the character PHILLIP. But LARRY David belongs to Curb Your Enthusiasm. The dialogue and storyline are my depiction of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I don’t own the rights to Curb Your Enthusiasm or any of the characters of Curb Your Enthusiasm. They belong to Larry David.
SCENE ONE: A DORM ROOM AT COLLEGE -- AFTERNOON
LARRY unlocks and enters his dorm room to find his roommate, PHILLIP, who is laying on his bed. He appears to be an unhygienic and cyber-obsessed roommate. He is wearing dirty clothes in his untidy room. His hamper is also overflowing. PHILLIP, a slob, is oblivious to LARRY’S entrance.
LARRY, who is known for his alertness to life’s annoyances, is wearing a formal black dress jacket, light-colored jeans and his usual mismatched sneakers.
In the beginning, there is hesitancy between LARRY and PHILLIP as they size up to each other a bit more. But it does not take much time until they [LARRY and PHILLIP] express their dislike of each other.
LARRY opens the door.
LARRY: Yo. Are you – Phillip – my roommate?
PHILLIP looks confused and not paying attention to LARRY.
PHILLIP: Hey! Wassup? (acts hesitant)
LARRY: Oh, hi, hi. Nice to meet you. (silence.) (peering at old, unclean set of dishes with rotting food) What do we have here, hot pockets?
LARRY: Looks like hot pockets.
PHILLIP: It’s not hot pockets. (aggravated)
LARRY: Well, it looks like some good microwavable cooking. (laughs nervously)
Wow, this is some dorm. A double, huh?
Well, it looks like it’s just going to be you and me. College buddies!
Look at this, we got a co-ed bathroom! All my life, I dreamed about brushing my teeth next to the ladies… Am I right? (tries hard to elicit a laugh)
PHILLIP notices the toaster that LARRY unpacked as PHILLIP fetches a drink from the fridge.
PHILLIP: What do you think you’re doing with that toaster, bro? (points to the toaster)
LARRY: Excuse me, are you the RA? (nervous chuckle)
PHILLIP: Naw, man.
LARRY: Then what’s the problem? (worried)
PHILLIP: …there is a strict “no toaster” policy. It’s the rules, dude.
LARRY: Rules? It’s not your concern. I‘m a Jew who simply craves a toasted bagel with a shmear of cream cheese and lox. Is that such a crime? It’s what my Jewish ancestors would want me to eat. (forced laughter)
And you’re not one to talk, MR. NO HYGIENE. You don’t seem to care about hygiene and yet you object to the toaster?
Don’t you find that you’re being – perhaps – a little contradicting?
PHILLIP: The dorm supply list prohibits toasters. (frustrated) IT’S THE RULES!
LARRY: Well here is an unwritten RULE of society for you: (pause.) (raises his voice) IT’S CALLED PICK UP YOUR SHIT!
PHILLIP: I’m sure that we would all like to have toasters, dude. Who are you that the rules don’t apply?
LARRY: I’m applying the golden rule, are you? (big smile)
PHILLIP: I don’t think the golden rule applies to this situation.
LARRY: (quietly under his breath) Oh, I’m pretty…pretty positive that it applies here.
PHILLIP: Well, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, BRO! (raises his voice) Having a toaster has nothing to do with doing unto others, as you would have them do unto you.
LARRY: Really? Because if you wanted a toaster, would you want me to tell you that you could not have it? I don’t think so, man! (smiles again)
PHILLIP: How about a little common courtesy, buddy? Is that so hard?
LARRY: That doesn’t supersede the golden rule!
(silence) But I would appreciate it if you would clean up after your little shit factory here. (raises his voice) It’s invading my side of the room!
PHILLIP: (in a calm voice) There’s no reason to insult me, Lar.
LARRY: Look at this. (points to PHILLIP’s dirty laundry on the ground) How am I even supposed to get to my toaster?
PHILLIP: You know, technically, the floor is a “no man” zone. So pretty much…you don’t own it!
LARRY: So, what are you saying? You’re not going to clean it? You’re just going to leave your clothes?
PHILLIP ignores LARRY by logging onto his Facebook account on his computer.
LARRY looks over PHILLIP’s shoulder at his Facebook. He notices PHILLIP’s status says: “my roommate knows how to provoke me easily!”
LARRY: Do you really think I wouldn’t notice your status? You can’t write that.
PHILLIP: What? (in denial)
LARRY: Talk to me like a normal person…rather than communicating through your Facebook.
PHILLIP: Here’s an idea, why don’t you mind your own business?
LARRY: Well, I suppose that’s an idea…it’s not a very good one though.
PHILLIP: Oh, really…why not? Dude, what do you want me to say?
LARRY: You could apologize. You’re attacking me with distasteful status updates –
PHILLIP: You want me to say I’m sorry?
LARRY: Yeah, some sort of sentiment would be nice.
PHILLIP: I deleted my status, alright?
LARRY: No, Phillip. It is NOT alright!
PHILLIP: Why don’t you stop violating my personal life?
LARRY: Violating your personal life? You – my friend – have chosen to communicate through passive aggressive Facebook status updates. This classifies you as a: CYBER SLUT!
PHILLIP: A cyber slut?
LARRY: Yes, I’m afraid so!
PHILLIP: So, you’ re calling me a slut?
LARRY: I believe the correct terminology was a “cyber slut.”
PHILLIP: Hey – you know what? – at least the “cyber slut” has his priorities straight. And one of those is not your stupid toaster…
LARRY stands there, watching PHILLIP walk away as he slams the door.
PHILLIP exits and LARRY smiles.